The day starts with us in high spirits, happily bumping along the dirt road to Paarl rock in my little bakkie. After arriving at the parking lot for Bretagne/Gordons rock, we rack up and set off up the Belly Button Brigade to warm up – feeling like Yosemite heroes frictioning up the grade 15 slab in one mega pitch. At the top of the dome, we scuttle around and then down the various nooks and crannies to find ourselves at the base of Stem Gem (22), an uber classic open book corner, with a thin finger crack in the back, opened by Andy de Klerk in his old tennis shoes.
View of Bretagne Rock from Gordon’s Rock, Paarl. ©Josh Swinney
I pompously set off up the route, armed to the teeth with my smallest cams and wires. My first go has me placing a small DMM Peenut, but with calves on fire, I downclimb back to the ground. After some deep breathing and a pep talk, I go up again and place another higher nut, only to lose my rag and downclimb to the ground again. I realized this wasn’t quite the difficulty I’d expected, the old school grade of 22 made me think it would be a relative cakewalk. Unfortunately, I was very sorely mistaken. On my next attempt I decided I would commit and really go for it now, no turning back. Up and into the Stem Gem I go, my calves melting away from the hamstring down. I tentatively smear my way up the smooth featureless granite, placing another tiny but bombproof nut. I start to find my lower body redlining like it never has before. I keep slithering up the stem but it feels like someone has spilled drain acid on the back of my legs, and my last good wire is starting to look very small and… rather far away. At this stage I assumed more features would become available to stand on. Wrong. Or maybe the angle would change for the better. Pretty much wrong again. Maybe I’d find some bomber ring locks in the crack? Not anytime soon.
Eventually I arrive at this funny small pea-pod-looking-thing in which I decided to place the smallest of my cams, a Metolius Ultralight #00. As I unclip it from my harness and go to place it, my inflamed legs start to quake, big time. The cam goes in, but my eyes start to widen in terror as I see only the tips of the teeny Metolius cam lobes are actually in contact with the rock. Eish!
I start nervously fiddling around with the placement, but deep inside I know a gross whipper is imminent. I get the cam into what I think is a somewhat decent placement and start trying to make moves again, from the strange pigeon-toed position, to pushing hard on my left foot, while both arms push on the right face, then crouch, touch, pause, engage, TENSIONNN and I move my right foot up a hilariously small amount. The anticlimax of the amount of effort exerted for so little gain is staggering. I start to stand up again, assuming the ridiculous pigeon posture again.
Suddenly the world becomes oblivion as I feel my right foot completely give way. I try to relax and trust my belayer to do his magic with the rope. Creeeeaaak! POP! Out comes the Metolius, and it slaps me on my helmet in mid-flight. Thwack! *expletive* zweeeeeee and zippppp! Out rips something below as well, just as the rope comes tight and I whip onto the beautiful, loving, DMM Peenut I placed earlier and come to a standstill in the corner. Phew. Cams are dangling like pointless Christmas tree ornaments from the rope. My feet flail around uselessly near my belayer’s head.
Hanging in my harness with my knees together in the corner of this majestic granite corner feature, head bowed, I feel like a child that’s been sent to the naughty corner in school. I didn’t do my granite homework, and the great granite teacher of Paarl has put me in my place!
Climbing can be a humbling experience and often the rock is a stern educator. Stem Gem gave me a solid lesson in respecting styles you aren’t familiar with, as well as deep respect and admiration for the people that opened these kinds of routes, without any of the technology we have today! So, if you’re heading out to climb on granite, bring a haul bag full of humility, and whatever leg mobility and strength you can muster; because if you skip the homework, you might just find yourself in the naughty corner too!
